May 102013
 

i have so many emotions right now. i’m happy, i’m bored, i’m frustrated, and i feel mildly hopeless. i think most of the later emotions are just because it’s “monday” (for me).. i’ve been noticing that my first day back to work after the weekend is always very stressful. even if it isn’t inherently stressful (e.g. tonight; no tickets.. no work). it’s just stressful in that i suddenly have to interact with people again. the noc is always full on thursday nights – three other techs, one engineer, and the occasional visitor from the sysadmins or hardware. suddenly being thrust into this busy social situation is pretty difficult for me, it seems.

it’s not that i don’t like my coworkers. they’re all really nice, and we get along fine. i just have zero desire to interact with them on my first day back.

but on a brighter note, i’m happy. i have someone who loves me, and loves me unconditionally. i was freaking out earlier, because there was something wrong with my eye – my one good eye! there were halos around every light source that i looked at. i couldn’t drive, because everything was a big light blur. i was freaking out, and understandably so (i think) – if i lose my eyesight, i lose my job, i lose a lot. but one thing that i know now that i wouldn’t lose is Aki’s love for me. as i was freaking out about losing my eyesight, worrying about how terrible it would be, i was reassured by her – “it would make life a bit more difficult, but i would still love you,” she said. i didn’t react immediately – it took about 5 minutes to sink in, and i was running out the door.. but that was the most beautiful, kind thing that anyone has ever said to me. that was a show of her true, unconditional love.

and i keep focusing on that this evening as i deal with the boredom and frustration of work. this blog post was supposed to be about how unreasonably depressed i’m feeling, about this weird up and down emotional pattern that’s been driving me insane.. but instead, internet, i want to share with you:

i’m happy

and i have so much to be happy about

and i just need to keep reminding myself of that