Jan 192013

so, i had a slight emotional outburst tonight over a topic that’s plagued me in the past: passing. specifically whether i do or not. by ‘passing’ i mean ‘people don’t immediately/ever recognize me as transgender’. usually i’m pretty confident, but it only takes one small thing to set me on edge- and a few to throw me over it.

there was a tng/apex bowling night tonight that Aki and i attended. good turn out, i’d say about 30 people. the night started out great, i got an awesome rainbow dash hoodie from josh, and everyone was happy to see me. i was dancing around excitedly, hopping and skipping around, super stoked about my awesome hoodie! bowling began, the dj was playing good music, and i was movin’ and shakin’- it seemed to be a really good night.

i went to sign up for a drawing the alley was holding, and that’s when it happened- a 10 year old girl clocked me. as i was filling out the form, she looks at me, looks at her dad, and says (quite loudly) “he’s wearing a skirt!”

my heart dropped. was it the hair? was it this hoodie? it was pretty big on me. was it my voice? i got tunnel vision as i filled out the rest of the form for the drawing. her dad responded “ah, it’s okay, honey. that’s okay!” my heart beat again, and the world faded back into existence.

i smiled, glanced at the dad, glanced at the floor, dropped my form in the bin and walked away. i wasn’t sure how to feel. i was upset, sure, but the father handled it surprisingly well. but my confidence was shaken- and it doesn’t recover all that quickly, unfortunately.

i explained what had transpired to Aki- she suggested that i thank the dad for acting cool, and being awesome. i later did, and he was happy to speak to me for a short time- even thanking me for keeping *my* cool, and being myself more or less.

the second blow was an unintentional one. i was talking to my friend touches about what had happened, in a humorous light. by that point i was more or less over it. she, trying to make me feel better, brought up the fact that a couple tng-ers were completely unaware i was trans until a few parties ago- what she was referencing was a time that some people had seen what unequivocally makes me trans, or even male to some.

she mentioned this in an attempt to make me feel as if i passed quite well, but it was taken quite differently. instead, i began to worry. who else knew? who else was spreading that “junk is actually a guy”? why do my genitals make me a guy?

so i receded further into my self-conscious bubble. who knew? who was staring at me? who was judging me? was this skirt a poor choice? am i passing? do people see me as some disgusting cross-dresser?

the spiral was starting, but i pulled myself out as best i could and continued bowling.

what is called ‘candlelight bowling’ had begun. a more appropriate word for it would be ‘stupid bowling that i never want to do’, but hey. around friends (mostly tipsy or drunk), it was fun to an extent. bowl while sitting. bowl with your non-dominant hand. bowl backwards! hurr durr.

bowling through other people’s legs was a big theme. the tenth frame was supposed to be bowled through as many people’s legs as you could imagine. lines of five, six, seven people were formed for the bowler to throw their ball under. all fun and games! we would all gyrate and dance to try to distract the bowler.

Aki, being quite drunk (edit: not as drunk as i had thought, i guess- that was clarified the next day) at this point, was in most of them- dancing, grinding, having a good time. every time someone would do their tenth frame, i got called over to participate. i wasn’t too fond of the whole idea- i was already self-conscious about people seeing up my skirt, so i didn’t exactly want to spread my legs as wide as possible in front of a bowling lane- and the 100+ people in the alley.

we did this routine a handful of times, and everything was normal until one frame- i was the front of the line of people, with Aki behind me. some frisky-dancing song was on, and we were all acting stupid and dancing around. that’s when Aki (drunk, so i’m not really holding this against her [edit: still not, regardless of drunk level]) decides it would be a *wonderful* idea to lift up my skirt and flash all the people in front of me.

i was shocked. embarrassed. i threw my hands down to my sides in an attempt to right the skirt placement. i peeled myself away from the leg-spread line, mortified. upset that someone that cares for me so much could do something so hurtful to me. i slinked back to my seat in an attempt to hide my shame, my beet red face, and my anger. but instead i got called back to that infernal line, so i could stand there in front of all the people who had just seen up my skirt.

and i had to do it three more times- luckily those times i was in the middle of the line, and my skirt stayed where it ought to have.

writing this fills me with so many emotions. guilt. anger. embarrassment. it makes me so entirely self-conscious. who saw what? who sees me different now? thinking about it makes me literally cringe- hard.

of course, Aki promptly apologized- stating she thought i was wearing a skort (which i often do). but it wasn’t enough to pull me out of the spiral. last call for boarding, laddies and gentlemen. next stop: rock bottom.

all i could think about was how much i wanted to be anywhere other than this bowling alley. home. in my car. down the street. in another state. i felt like a million eyes were boring into me at any given moment. even people who couldn’t possibly have seen anything. i was suddenly hyper-aware of people looking at me; staring or otherwise. i couldn’t make eye contact with anyone. i was on the verge of tears. Aki, in an attempt to console me, tried to speak into my ear (arguably, through my ear, past my brain, and into the other ear). unfortunately 60 decibels directly into your ear drum is quite painful. dejected, shamefaced, and in pain, i had reached my breaking point. as the tears burst forth, i exited the building as quickly as possible.

outside now, crying, banging my head into a pole. thinking, not thinking, upset. i wanted to badly to punch something. to punch myself right in my stupid face. right in my stupid wrong everything. i slammed my head into the pole harder, hoping i would just become one with it and live the rest of my days as a pole at the bowling alley. anything would be better than living the rest of my life as a faggot who can’t pass.

jacob came outside to leave- knocking me back into a sane state of mind. i don’t need people seeing me like this. i collected myself before he reached where i was. he said goodbye. seeing that i was crying, he followed up with “don’t be a sad junk!” hugging me, and once more wishing me a good night.

what was i doing? why was i out here? why did i come out here? what was the point- was i expecting someone to follow me and come say “poor baby”? would that even make me feel any better? no, it wouldn’t. i don’t want people’s attention. i want to be alone.

i wiped my tears, took a deep breath, and walked back inside. passing the desk, i dropped off my rented bowling shoes.

i walked back to our lane. my shoes were stored under where Aki was sitting- i looked at her for a second, trying (and failing) to smile. i sat, put on my shoes, and picked up my backpack. she hugged me- i put my backpack down and we had an awkward apology talk. everyone was leaving- “did i cause that?”, i thought. after about five minutes of talking, we made amends more or less- she got me to smile, and made me feel a lot better.

the drive home was tough. by myself, still halfway to how-bout-i-just-off-myself, crying, trying to find music that would make me feel better. rouge – adventure time; that song never fails to make me smile. i tried to focus on everything good- new job, more money. Aki loves me. i love Aki. video games. the feeling i get when traveling to new and familiar places alike. the feeling i get when i cook. that day i hiked south mountain alone just to take photos. my friends, the people who love and cherish my existence.

i’m used to that routine by now. i try to do it as often as i can- even when i’m not depressed. reminding myself of the good things- the things i want to live for, and the amazing and adventurous parts of my life.

i made it home in one piece (obviously). i still wanted to punch something, but i refused the urge. i grabbed a beer, sat at my computer, and began to write. that was about 50 minutes ago. damn, i write slow.

regardless, this helped a lot. i should really do feelings-dumps more often.

i feel quite a bit better now. i’m still not thrilled about how the night ended- i’m upset i couldn’t control my emotions better. i wish i would have been able to not storm off; i feel as if my emotional outburst killed the mood for everyone around me. i’ll have to work on that in the future.

what transpired tonight has opened my eyes more to my surgery options, and how they may effect my self confidence and how i view myself. i have known for a couple years now that i would like to go though with bottom surgery, but facial surgery has always been a toss-up. should i spend the extra money? will it be worth it?

Aki has said that it may be worth it, as it would move me from passing 75% of the time to passing 99% of the time. the surgery (a jawline reduction) would cost me an additional $6k if done at the same time as my bottom surgery. i think it may be a good option. i’ll have to do some more thinking on this before i decide for sure. it’s a lot of pain, and a lot of money.

i’m going to go do some work now.

Feb 062012

january is over, so let’s recap!

the months started out normal. it was nice to finally get out of the holiday season- i can only take so much holiday cheer. Aki and i ended up spending new year’s eve at devin’s place, which was pretty fun.

Aki, devin, and i all went to gerome for a day trip early on in the month, too. at least i think that was in january. Aki and devin took pictures, and i just looked at stuff. sorta like kim-jong il looking at things, except i’m not north korean, or a dictator. or dead. we got really good burgers up there, too, and then went to a old mining town up the road. i loved looking at all the old equipment. the place was practically a junk yard, but it was cool nonetheless.

what else.. for the business, things were great this month. we reached (and surpassed!) 600 active orders- last month was the highest recorded gross income in the history of the business 😀

i’m still working hard on expanding everything. i have my friend allen helping me with support tickets right now- it’s exciting to have gotten to a point where i can sustain the business with more employees than just me. even though we’re talking about january, i just ordered parts for node04! they should be here and ready to go by next week. now i just hope i have enough power left in my cage.

the plan is to install node04, upgrade node01’s cpus (new opteron 6234s!), and then slowly upgrade node02-04’s cpus. meanwhile, i’ll be working on getting more locations up- germany is next, as i have quite the demand for european-based servers.

this year is going to be good for the business. personal, perhaps, too. i’m moving out of my shithole townhouse mid-march. no more shitty townhouse. no more disgusting roommate. and less bills!

i guess i’m not talking about january anymore.

still don’t like my job. my friend kat might be able to get me a job at an apple store- not my occupation of choice, but it pays okay, and their benefits will help pay for my surgery! that right there is worth going to the dark side- they give you what you need.

speaking of work, that’s where i am right now. i don’t know what to do so i’m writing. i’d read, but i think that’s like putting a but neon sign over my head that says ‘not working’.. phxfil01 ran out of inodes. again. i don’t know what they expect me to do about it. i can’t pull more inodes out of my ass. plus, i’m still lost on a lot of how everything works around here, and find it hard to get he motivation to learn.

which sucks. motivation doesn’t come easy these days. i think it has something to do with the hormones. my body’s doing the what-the-fuck dance right now, please come back later.

speaking of hormones: estrogen is awesome. besides the making me sad for no reason sometimes. like really, i can’t explain it. i can feel the estrogen in my veins and it’s bloody awesome. nothing else in the world compares to this feeling. it feels so.. right

i feel a lot better than i did when writing my last post. yeah, bipolar, yeah! i love when i’m like this. life seems purposeful.

i like having purpose.

speaking of things, nuclear fission is really cool. i still need to finish that book on the chernobyl disaster, but really. that shit is scary. and cool. and my brain just shut off i guess so that’s all i’m getting out about nuclear reactors then.

i had an interesting experience with an employee in january. the whole incident really made me do the jackie chan “are you serious?” face for about a day straight. basically, i hired this person to do support tickets back in november. i told this person, i’ll give you $200 per week if you answer support tickets for me. i even hosted a colocated server for this person to sweeten the deal. pretty awesome right? it’s a really simple job that you’re getting super over-compensated for- it only required max 5-10 hours per week, as our ticket volume wasn’t that horrible.

so like, a month goes by. they’re performing admirably, so i’m paying them. then talk about moving to finland starts. fine with me, you don’t need to be on the same side of the globe to do this job- really. you could do it from anywhere with internet. more talk about finland, until the new year rolls around and they hop on a plane to said country.

but they didn’t really ask for any time off at all. i let it slide. how many times do you get to go to finland?

about two weeks goes by- i don’t hear a peep from them in the first week. second week- they’re on irc a lot, but they haven’t logged into the admin panel in 9 days. finally they logged in and responded to one ticket.

and stupid me, i still paid them for those two weeks. full $200. that was my second mistake. maybe third really. so a month goes by of this half-assed not-really-working-and-still-getting-paid, so finally (after having talked to them a couple weeks beforehand) i terminated them. i send them $50 for their shitty work and said bye.

then they come back. they threaten me with small claims court (over $150. mind you, it’s probably $200 just to file). they say “we had an agreement” that they would get $200 per week.

i say: if you do your work. i’m not paying you for doing nothing. but they won’t have any of that.

it makes perfect sense to me. perfect fucking sense. you don’t work? you don’t get money. i’m not paying you to have a fucking vacation in finland you lazy fuck.

i thought about it for a while. i wasn’t afraid of claims court, but i really didn’t need the stress. against my best judgement i sent them the $150 and pulled the “lets not let this get between us” card (edit 08/2012: but it did, anyways)

and you know what they say? “i only demanded the money because i have -$70 in the bank”

fucking yeah.

who DOES that? who the fuck says that to the person you just conned out of money you didn’t deserve? your own immaturity and inability to handle your finances is what got you into this situation. i was under no obligation to even help you out at all, and yet i gave you that money.

the more i think about it, the more mad i get.

but i learned a valuable lesson: contracts. always. friends turn into bloodsucking assholes as soon as money gets involved. they’re not your friends anymore, they’re selfish motherfuckers.

but it’s over. the whole situation is done. new employee, on a contract, and he actually does work (edit 08/2012: just kidding). imagine that.

i’m about done for now. didn’t get barely any sleep last night. might go take a nap.