Nov 122013
 

something i feel could greatly help someone else in our situation this morning: a potential fix for mysql errno 1236.

131112  9:26:02 [Note] Slave I/O thread: connected to master 'repl@x.x.x.x:3306',  replication started in log 'je.000041' at position 90217258
131112  9:26:02 [ERROR] Error reading packet from server: Could not find first log file name in binary log index file ( server_errno=1236)
131112  9:26:02 [ERROR] Got fatal error 1236: 'Could not find first log file name in binary log index file' from master when reading data from binary log
131112  9:26:02 [Note] Slave I/O thread exiting, read up to log 'je.000041', position 90217258

after struggling for close to 30 minutes to find a fix – purging binary logs, checking index files, using alternate binlogs – we had yet to come up with a fix. what could be going wrong?

it turned out to be really simple, and really dumb. we had typo’d the master_log_file attribute of our change master – instead of je.000041, it should have read je1.000041!

changing the binlog name in the change master statement fixed everything. what a pain..

Nov 122013
 

just lose yourself in your own mind, then go numb. then, let it all out.

– slime princess, adventure time s05e35

oddly enough, adventure time has been speaking to me lately. a lot of the thoughts finn and other characters have are surprisingly deep – and have a lot of meaning if taken in the right context. though what doesn’t, i suppose?

as previously talked about here, i struggle with some serious depression. it tends to come and go; i’ll have manic, or “normal” happy periods for anywhere from a few hours to a few months, followed by a span of time in which everything – and I mean everything – is a bottomless pit of despair. it’s hellish, and annoying beyond words. the only thing that helps is talking about it. it doesn’t matter to whom or what i talk to.. a blog, a dog, a stuffed animal, myself, Aki, my therapist; talking it out always seems to make things better. i think it helps me gain new perspective on what is troubling me, allowing me to show myself how much i blow things out of proportion, or see things in the wrong light. so, i’m starting on a mini-journey to document and work through my depression. i suppose this will count as the first post. (side note – i haven’t decided whether or not i will make a new blog for this – i don’t want to bog this blog down with sad stuff. more to come on that.)

at first i wasn’t sure if i wanted to do this publicly, and honestly, i’m still not. there’s a large stigma surrounding mental illness, and let’s face it – depression is mental illness, in its truest form. believe me when i say that these diaries, these entries, are not meant to grab for attention – they merely serve as an outlet for what i am feeling, and perhaps something i can look back on. something to remind myself how to defeat what plagues me when i’m at my darkest moment. i want to shed my fear of the stigma, and be able to cope effectively with my depression.

that being said, i’m writing this first entry because i can’t sleep. i can’t sleep, because my dreams have nothing to offer me but pain. dramatic, sure – but up until recently, my dreams were an escape. in my dreams, i didn’t have to worry about life, or anything. no stressing about my job, no stressing about my relationships, no stress. just fun! i could be playful, dreaming up whatever i wanted.

but running away from the problem never solves anything for anyone, and it appears my subconscious is well aware of that fact. instead of my usual happy, worry-free dreams, my problems have found a way to manifest themselves in my head. i wake up stressed, tired, irritable. i move through the day grumpy, on autopilot. snapping at people, losing control of my emotions. my mind is racing, sustained by coffee, tea, and a scarce amount of food – thinking about what makes me sad, what makes me upset, what evokes these ugly emotions in me. jealousy. envy. rage. abandonment. loneliness. emptiness. emotions that leave no room for what i should be focusing on. my life, my career, my relationships. maintaining my house. maintaining myself – my hygiene, my health. i forget to eat. i refuse to eat. i think about how badly i need to do laundry when i get home tonight, only to wither away on the couch after stepping through the door. i feel entirely unmotivated in everything i do. i can’t motivate myself to cook, to clean, to read, to write, to work, to play. i won’t. something in me refuses to take part in being.

and none of this is anyone else’s fault.

..which takes a lot out of me to say. i find myself blaming others, unable to see that i’m causing this for myself. it’s easy to blame others for your plight; it takes a lot to realize you are your own worst enemy. it takes even more to destroy that part of you, before you destroy yourself.

i find myself mostly blaming others for my relationship woes. being in a polyamorous relationship is not easy. seeing your partner with someone else takes a lot of trust, communication, and ability to resolve jealousy. that last one is really key – working through your jealousy is do or die in a poly situation. if you can’t find the source and reason for your jealousy, you are bound to be consumed by it. the same goes for envy. if not dealt with properly, it can be fatal to a poly relationship. i don’t know this first hand, but i am constantly in fear that i may – soon – if i can’t resolve what is troubling me.

my relationship with Aki is about two years young. we met back in oct ’11 through a mutual friend. we started “dating” shortly after.. and i basically became glued to her. i think it was about two months in when i was pretty much at her house constantly – cleaning, playing games, cooking dinner, whatever. i would make almost any excuse to be with her, to spend every ounce of my free time with her. in a word, i was clingy. well, honestly, i still am. our relationship has taken many forms since then – at least 3, i’d say. i was/am still young, still figuring out what works for me – plus, at that time i was literally just out of the closet to the whole world. everything was exciting.. and confusing.

i made some rookie mistakes early on in our relationship. i won’t go into detail, partly out of embarrassment, partly out of respect for privacy. i feel like the mistakes i made have been hovering over me ever since. i have tried to reconcile, to undo what had been said and the emotions i invoked; however, i feel like i have all but failed.

maybe dating girls is like riding a bicycle… like, if you mess up, you can get really hurt forever. or.. hurt someone you really care about.

– finn, adventure time s05e36

i wish that i could tell my past self how stupid i was going to be. teach myself then, what i know now. as they say, hindsight is 20/20 (which is a miracle, what with being blind in one eye. whats that, door’s over there? i’ll show myself out). while the past did not ruin our relationship, it has contributed to the ever-evolving connection between us.

the problem i find myself getting stuck on? watching someone else fill the spot i feel like i used to be in. feeling like i’m losing a connection with someone that was previously there, watching those emotions, that affection, go to someone else. but it’s not as if my world is completely devoid of affection. i know i am loved. i know that in the way that my relationship is with Aki, i am loved more than anyone else. and in the way that josh’s relationship is with Aki, he is loved more than anyone else. it’s something that has been brought up many times in fits of insecurity – who is your primary? am i? is he? the answer never changes, no matter how much i ask – both of you are. neither of us take the backseat – there’s plenty of room on all sides, especially since our relationships are of different forms that overlap in manageable ways.

all of that – all of what i just typed – is extremely hard for me to remember. no matter how many times it is reinforced, talked over, argued about – as soon as the walls go up, and the pit grows deeper, it is the first thing to leave my mind, and the hardest to get back.

and this brings us to the reason i can’t sleep. the reason my dreams betray me. i find myself consumed by the fear of loneliness. the fear of abandonment. in my dreams, i am pushed aside by Aki for josh – i am of low priority to her, seen only for hours at a time. requests for more time are merely laughed at and discarded. this, of course, is not the truth. most requests for time alone, or time as the three of us, are greeted with nothing but support. on the rare occasion that it won’t work, i can understand – not everything revolves around me, and other plans may have been made.

i still fear, though. i fear that my depression, my outbursts, and my emotions are driving her away. away from me, from spending time with me. i feel like the time spent without me is ever-increasing. every other thursday with josh. friday, saturday, sunday at josh’s. monday family night; bookended with her with josh – albeit in the same house most weeks, at least.

it’s change – that thing i’m oh-so-afraid of. this is not how things used to be, and is likely to be the way things are for the foreseeable future. i’m 22 – Aki is 30. i’m not looking to settle down, not looking to start a family, nor get married. on the other hand, these are things i feel Aki may want. maybe not immediately – but surely sooner than i will. i still have a lot of growing and learning to do before i’m ready for such commitment. i understand that she will seek out the things she wants, and she has every right to do so. perhaps she sees these things she wants in josh – who is old..er. thirty…six? (note to josh: please don’t hurt me if you’re actually younger than 36!) she may want to find that in someone who is more mature – someone who has already lived through their exploratory twenties, someone who is looking for the same commitment. he may be more willing, more able to meet her needs in ways i cannot.

i can feel the ramble coming on, so i think this may be a good place to take a break. i feel a bit better than when i started writing, which is the point of this. i’ll end with a small list of things i need to repeat to myself:

* you’re loved, no matter what
* despite what you think, you’re not being abandoned
* depression is only temporary

i look forward to writing these. whether or not i decide to seek formal treatment, i plan on writing as often as possible. maybe not 1700+ word entries like this one, but just check-ins. what i’m thinking, what i’m feeling, and how i’m coping.

i covet the day i can be rid of all this.

Sep 102013
 

Since Youtube insta-blocked this mix, I’ll just upload this here.

Tracklist:
01. Martin Garrix – Animals (Original Mix)
02. Empire Of The Sun – Alive (Zedd Extended Remix)
03. Knife Party – LRAD (Original Mix)
04. Wolfgang Gartner – Love & War (Original Mix)
05. Henrik B, Niklas Gustavsson, Peter Johansson – Echoes (Extended Mix)
06. Grum – Heartbeats (Radio Edit)
07. Sebastian Ingrosso, Tommy Trash – Reload (Original Mix)
08. Hardwell, Dyro, Bright Lights – Never Say Goodbye feat. Bright Lights (Original Mix)
09. Sander Van Doorn, Mako, DubVision, Mariana Bell – Into The Light feat. Mariana Bell (Original Mix)
10. Matisse & Sadko – Stars (Original Mix)
11. Paris & Simo, 3LAU – Escape feat. Bright Lights (Original Mix)
12. Daddy’s Groove, Rob Adans – Unbelievable (Club Mix)

Aug 122013
 

in an attempt to try out pthreads, i have gone on an adventure – compiling php by hand! i wanted to share my experience with the internet, as i had some trouble finding a good guide.

i opted to use the latest stable release of php 5.5 – but you can use most any version you want. it’s worth it to note that i am using centos 6.4

first thing’s first: let’s clean up any packages that would interfere, and install epel. we will need epel for a few extensions.

#remove old php packages
yum erase php*
#install epel - note, this link may be outdated! 
# see here for the latest: http://goo.gl/SAN1Qc
rpm -Uvh http://mirrors.servercentral.net/fedora/epel/6/i386/epel-release-6-8.noarch.rpm

now, we need to get the php source – i like to unpack it into /usr/src in case i need it in the future.

#download the php source - i used php 5.5.1
cd /usr/src
wget -Ophp-5.5.1.tar.bz2 "http://us3.php.net/get/php-5.5.1.tar.bz2/from/this/mirror"
#unpack the source
tar jxf php-5.5.1.tar.bz2
#move in to the source directory
cd php-5.5.1

now, this is the tricky part – usually, compiling is pretty simple. just ./configure, then make && make install. however, with php, there are many configure options you need to know about – and many of them are either undocumented, or hard to tack down. for me, i was mostly interested options required for pthreads, and some basic functionality i needed for my phpircd project. these are:

–prefix=/usr: use /usr as the prefix for installation – this will place the php executable in /usr/bin
–enable-maintainer-zts: enable zend thread safe – required for pthreads
–with-pear: build in pear (so we can install pthreads, and any other pear/pecl extension we need)
–with-config-file-path=/etc: this will place php.ini in /etc
–with-readline: this will enable readline, making the php interactive console much better
–with-mcrypt: builds in mcrypt hashing functions
–with-zlib: builds in zlib compression libraries
–enable-mbstring: builds in multi-byte string support
–with-curl: builds in curl functions
–with-bz2: builds in bzip2 support
–enable-zip: builds in zip support
–enable-sockets: builds in the socket extension
–enable-sysvsem: enables system v messages support
–enable-sysvshm: enables system v shared memory support
–with-mhash: builds in mhash hashing
–with-pcre-regex: builds in pcre regex support
–with-gettext: builds in gettext support
–enable-bcmath: enables the bcmath extension
–enable-libxml: enables in the xml extension
–enable-json: enables in the json extension
–with-openssl: builds in ssl support
–enable-pcntl: enables the pcntl extension

you will need some base build tools, and devel packages to use the above configure options. let’s install those:

yum install gcc make install zlib-devel readline-devel libxml12-devel \
openssl-devel libmcrypt-devel curl-devel bzip2-devel xml2-config 

now, configure and build php:

#configure
./configure --prefix=/usr --enable-maintainer-zts --with-pear \
--with-config-file-path=/etc --with-readline --with-mcrypt \
--with-zlib --enable-mbstring --with-curl --with-bz2 \
--enable-zip --enable-sockets --enable-sysvsem --enable-sysvshm \
--with-mhash --with-pcre-regex --with-gettext --enable-bcmath \
--enable-libxml --enable-json --with-openssl --enable-pcntl

#build!
make

#install!
make install

now, lets install pthreads using pecl:

pecl install channel://pecl.php.net/pthreads-0.0.44

after that, you’re good to go! use pthreads and your fancy new compiled php 5.5 :)

# php -a
Interactive shell

php > class MyThread extends Thread {
php {   function run(){
php {   }
php { }
php > $thread = new MyThread;
php > $thread->start();
php >
May 102013
 

i have so many emotions right now. i’m happy, i’m bored, i’m frustrated, and i feel mildly hopeless. i think most of the later emotions are just because it’s “monday” (for me).. i’ve been noticing that my first day back to work after the weekend is always very stressful. even if it isn’t inherently stressful (e.g. tonight; no tickets.. no work). it’s just stressful in that i suddenly have to interact with people again. the noc is always full on thursday nights – three other techs, one engineer, and the occasional visitor from the sysadmins or hardware. suddenly being thrust into this busy social situation is pretty difficult for me, it seems.

it’s not that i don’t like my coworkers. they’re all really nice, and we get along fine. i just have zero desire to interact with them on my first day back.

but on a brighter note, i’m happy. i have someone who loves me, and loves me unconditionally. i was freaking out earlier, because there was something wrong with my eye – my one good eye! there were halos around every light source that i looked at. i couldn’t drive, because everything was a big light blur. i was freaking out, and understandably so (i think) – if i lose my eyesight, i lose my job, i lose a lot. but one thing that i know now that i wouldn’t lose is Aki’s love for me. as i was freaking out about losing my eyesight, worrying about how terrible it would be, i was reassured by her – “it would make life a bit more difficult, but i would still love you,” she said. i didn’t react immediately – it took about 5 minutes to sink in, and i was running out the door.. but that was the most beautiful, kind thing that anyone has ever said to me. that was a show of her true, unconditional love.

and i keep focusing on that this evening as i deal with the boredom and frustration of work. this blog post was supposed to be about how unreasonably depressed i’m feeling, about this weird up and down emotional pattern that’s been driving me insane.. but instead, internet, i want to share with you:

i’m happy

and i have so much to be happy about

and i just need to keep reminding myself of that

Jan 192013
 

so, i had a slight emotional outburst tonight over a topic that’s plagued me in the past: passing. specifically whether i do or not. by ‘passing’ i mean ‘people don’t immediately/ever recognize me as transgender’. usually i’m pretty confident, but it only takes one small thing to set me on edge- and a few to throw me over it.

there was a tng/apex bowling night tonight that Aki and i attended. good turn out, i’d say about 30 people. the night started out great, i got an awesome rainbow dash hoodie from josh, and everyone was happy to see me. i was dancing around excitedly, hopping and skipping around, super stoked about my awesome hoodie! bowling began, the dj was playing good music, and i was movin’ and shakin’- it seemed to be a really good night.

i went to sign up for a drawing the alley was holding, and that’s when it happened- a 10 year old girl clocked me. as i was filling out the form, she looks at me, looks at her dad, and says (quite loudly) “he’s wearing a skirt!”

my heart dropped. was it the hair? was it this hoodie? it was pretty big on me. was it my voice? i got tunnel vision as i filled out the rest of the form for the drawing. her dad responded “ah, it’s okay, honey. that’s okay!” my heart beat again, and the world faded back into existence.

i smiled, glanced at the dad, glanced at the floor, dropped my form in the bin and walked away. i wasn’t sure how to feel. i was upset, sure, but the father handled it surprisingly well. but my confidence was shaken- and it doesn’t recover all that quickly, unfortunately.

i explained what had transpired to Aki- she suggested that i thank the dad for acting cool, and being awesome. i later did, and he was happy to speak to me for a short time- even thanking me for keeping *my* cool, and being myself more or less.

the second blow was an unintentional one. i was talking to my friend touches about what had happened, in a humorous light. by that point i was more or less over it. she, trying to make me feel better, brought up the fact that a couple tng-ers were completely unaware i was trans until a few parties ago- what she was referencing was a time that some people had seen what unequivocally makes me trans, or even male to some.

she mentioned this in an attempt to make me feel as if i passed quite well, but it was taken quite differently. instead, i began to worry. who else knew? who else was spreading that “junk is actually a guy”? why do my genitals make me a guy?

so i receded further into my self-conscious bubble. who knew? who was staring at me? who was judging me? was this skirt a poor choice? am i passing? do people see me as some disgusting cross-dresser?

the spiral was starting, but i pulled myself out as best i could and continued bowling.

what is called ‘candlelight bowling’ had begun. a more appropriate word for it would be ‘stupid bowling that i never want to do’, but hey. around friends (mostly tipsy or drunk), it was fun to an extent. bowl while sitting. bowl with your non-dominant hand. bowl backwards! hurr durr.

bowling through other people’s legs was a big theme. the tenth frame was supposed to be bowled through as many people’s legs as you could imagine. lines of five, six, seven people were formed for the bowler to throw their ball under. all fun and games! we would all gyrate and dance to try to distract the bowler.

Aki, being quite drunk (edit: not as drunk as i had thought, i guess- that was clarified the next day) at this point, was in most of them- dancing, grinding, having a good time. every time someone would do their tenth frame, i got called over to participate. i wasn’t too fond of the whole idea- i was already self-conscious about people seeing up my skirt, so i didn’t exactly want to spread my legs as wide as possible in front of a bowling lane- and the 100+ people in the alley.

we did this routine a handful of times, and everything was normal until one frame- i was the front of the line of people, with Aki behind me. some frisky-dancing song was on, and we were all acting stupid and dancing around. that’s when Aki (drunk, so i’m not really holding this against her [edit: still not, regardless of drunk level]) decides it would be a *wonderful* idea to lift up my skirt and flash all the people in front of me.

i was shocked. embarrassed. i threw my hands down to my sides in an attempt to right the skirt placement. i peeled myself away from the leg-spread line, mortified. upset that someone that cares for me so much could do something so hurtful to me. i slinked back to my seat in an attempt to hide my shame, my beet red face, and my anger. but instead i got called back to that infernal line, so i could stand there in front of all the people who had just seen up my skirt.

and i had to do it three more times- luckily those times i was in the middle of the line, and my skirt stayed where it ought to have.

writing this fills me with so many emotions. guilt. anger. embarrassment. it makes me so entirely self-conscious. who saw what? who sees me different now? thinking about it makes me literally cringe- hard.

of course, Aki promptly apologized- stating she thought i was wearing a skort (which i often do). but it wasn’t enough to pull me out of the spiral. last call for boarding, laddies and gentlemen. next stop: rock bottom.

all i could think about was how much i wanted to be anywhere other than this bowling alley. home. in my car. down the street. in another state. i felt like a million eyes were boring into me at any given moment. even people who couldn’t possibly have seen anything. i was suddenly hyper-aware of people looking at me; staring or otherwise. i couldn’t make eye contact with anyone. i was on the verge of tears. Aki, in an attempt to console me, tried to speak into my ear (arguably, through my ear, past my brain, and into the other ear). unfortunately 60 decibels directly into your ear drum is quite painful. dejected, shamefaced, and in pain, i had reached my breaking point. as the tears burst forth, i exited the building as quickly as possible.

outside now, crying, banging my head into a pole. thinking, not thinking, upset. i wanted to badly to punch something. to punch myself right in my stupid face. right in my stupid wrong everything. i slammed my head into the pole harder, hoping i would just become one with it and live the rest of my days as a pole at the bowling alley. anything would be better than living the rest of my life as a faggot who can’t pass.

jacob came outside to leave- knocking me back into a sane state of mind. i don’t need people seeing me like this. i collected myself before he reached where i was. he said goodbye. seeing that i was crying, he followed up with “don’t be a sad junk!” hugging me, and once more wishing me a good night.

what was i doing? why was i out here? why did i come out here? what was the point- was i expecting someone to follow me and come say “poor baby”? would that even make me feel any better? no, it wouldn’t. i don’t want people’s attention. i want to be alone.

i wiped my tears, took a deep breath, and walked back inside. passing the desk, i dropped off my rented bowling shoes.

i walked back to our lane. my shoes were stored under where Aki was sitting- i looked at her for a second, trying (and failing) to smile. i sat, put on my shoes, and picked up my backpack. she hugged me- i put my backpack down and we had an awkward apology talk. everyone was leaving- “did i cause that?”, i thought. after about five minutes of talking, we made amends more or less- she got me to smile, and made me feel a lot better.

the drive home was tough. by myself, still halfway to how-bout-i-just-off-myself, crying, trying to find music that would make me feel better. rouge – adventure time; that song never fails to make me smile. i tried to focus on everything good- new job, more money. Aki loves me. i love Aki. video games. the feeling i get when traveling to new and familiar places alike. the feeling i get when i cook. that day i hiked south mountain alone just to take photos. my friends, the people who love and cherish my existence.

i’m used to that routine by now. i try to do it as often as i can- even when i’m not depressed. reminding myself of the good things- the things i want to live for, and the amazing and adventurous parts of my life.

i made it home in one piece (obviously). i still wanted to punch something, but i refused the urge. i grabbed a beer, sat at my computer, and began to write. that was about 50 minutes ago. damn, i write slow.

regardless, this helped a lot. i should really do feelings-dumps more often.

i feel quite a bit better now. i’m still not thrilled about how the night ended- i’m upset i couldn’t control my emotions better. i wish i would have been able to not storm off; i feel as if my emotional outburst killed the mood for everyone around me. i’ll have to work on that in the future.

what transpired tonight has opened my eyes more to my surgery options, and how they may effect my self confidence and how i view myself. i have known for a couple years now that i would like to go though with bottom surgery, but facial surgery has always been a toss-up. should i spend the extra money? will it be worth it?

Aki has said that it may be worth it, as it would move me from passing 75% of the time to passing 99% of the time. the surgery (a jawline reduction) would cost me an additional $6k if done at the same time as my bottom surgery. i think it may be a good option. i’ll have to do some more thinking on this before i decide for sure. it’s a lot of pain, and a lot of money.

i’m going to go do some work now.

Oct 232012
 

went to vegas for work this weekend, took some nice pictures!

Oct 082012
 

so, not that any of you would know since i never post, up until recently i had a boyfriend named tyler. tyler and i dated for a couple of months. we met at a tng social in scottsdale, hit it off at subsequent events and started seeing each other shortly thereafter.

tyler is a nice kid. in no way is this post meant to reflect negatively on him as a human being, i’m just venting my emotions because Aki is at work and i feel so terribly alone, and so terribly guilty.

tyler is what i would assume is your average mid-20s guy. auto mechanic, rough and tumble, the whole package. he was really the first guy or guy analogue i had ever dated for more than a handful of days. things were going okay- there were some issues in the beginning mostly attributed to it being his first poly relationship- that is, dating someone (me) who was in a serious relationship with someone else (Aki). the bumps were eventually smoothed after i got him to realize that just because i was with Aki didn’t mean i cared about him any less, among other things.

anyways, the relationship was pretty normal. we went on dates, talked mostly every day, had sex, held hands, went to events together, et cetera. things didn’t go all sour all at once, really- it was a culmination of his actions and personality over time that i eventually decided didn’t jive with me so well.

it’s not so much the fact that he wasn’t right for me that has me so upset. it’s the fact that he appeared to think i was right for him, and was (foolishly, as we were only dating for a short period of time) quite enamored with me. the hardest part for me is i have broke his heart, and i feel guilty for that. even though in myself i know that even if i stuck with our relationship it would have failed miserably months down the line.

i know that this was the right decision for me. i know this. but i still can’t stop crying. crying, rationalizing, watching how it’s made, crying some more.. rinse and repeat.

breaking up with people is something i have very little experience. in high school, i was usually the one broken up with. i realize now that this was generally because i had a distinct inability to see the relationship objectively- thus, i would have no idea anything was wrong from either end. i’m working hard to fix that.

for now, i’ll just keep crying until the pain dulls. i’ll keep thinking to myself “why did i do this?” until it definitively makes sense in my mind. and i’ll keep looking forward, because even though my mind is scrambled, my eyes are red, and my emotions are out f control, things will get better with time, new relationships will come and go. and i hope tyler is able to see that too.