May 102013

i have so many emotions right now. i’m happy, i’m bored, i’m frustrated, and i feel mildly hopeless. i think most of the later emotions are just because it’s “monday” (for me).. i’ve been noticing that my first day back to work after the weekend is always very stressful. even if it isn’t inherently stressful (e.g. tonight; no tickets.. no work). it’s just stressful in that i suddenly have to interact with people again. the noc is always full on thursday nights – three other techs, one engineer, and the occasional visitor from the sysadmins or hardware. suddenly being thrust into this busy social situation is pretty difficult for me, it seems.

it’s not that i don’t like my coworkers. they’re all really nice, and we get along fine. i just have zero desire to interact with them on my first day back.

but on a brighter note, i’m happy. i have someone who loves me, and loves me unconditionally. i was freaking out earlier, because there was something wrong with my eye – my one good eye! there were halos around every light source that i looked at. i couldn’t drive, because everything was a big light blur. i was freaking out, and understandably so (i think) – if i lose my eyesight, i lose my job, i lose a lot. but one thing that i know now that i wouldn’t lose is Aki’s love for me. as i was freaking out about losing my eyesight, worrying about how terrible it would be, i was reassured by her – “it would make life a bit more difficult, but i would still love you,” she said. i didn’t react immediately – it took about 5 minutes to sink in, and i was running out the door.. but that was the most beautiful, kind thing that anyone has ever said to me. that was a show of her true, unconditional love.

and i keep focusing on that this evening as i deal with the boredom and frustration of work. this blog post was supposed to be about how unreasonably depressed i’m feeling, about this weird up and down emotional pattern that’s been driving me insane.. but instead, internet, i want to share with you:

i’m happy

and i have so much to be happy about

and i just need to keep reminding myself of that

Nov 132011

it’s been forever since i’ve posted- sorry! i’ve found myself suddenly very busy and very happy :)

other than being sick with strep throat for the majority of this last week (i still am), everything has been going excellent. i’ve been spending a lot of time with this awesome girl named aki- i met her through my friend andy. we’ve been on a few dates, and have pretty much been talking on a daily basis for the past week and a half or two. i’m really happy about that- she’s super nice and doesn’t see my trans-ness as a flaw. in fact, she likes it! anyone with that description is cool as fuck in my book :3

i took two days off work last week, sick in bed with a fever. after returning to work i quickly caught up- installing the new kvm, and getting a lot of vm work out of the way. pretty standard week i guess.

i don’t know what else to talk about- literally i’ve been dead tired/sick all week and haven’t accomplished much. going to the doctor as soon as i’m able so i can get some antibiotics and get over this fucking strep. it’s getting progressively worse and worse. it’s constantly sore now, it hurts really bad to swallow anything, and it’s starting to hurt to breathe. if it’s any worse when i wake up tomorrow i’m going to urgent care. :/