May 102013
 

i have so many emotions right now. i’m happy, i’m bored, i’m frustrated, and i feel mildly hopeless. i think most of the later emotions are just because it’s “monday” (for me).. i’ve been noticing that my first day back to work after the weekend is always very stressful. even if it isn’t inherently stressful (e.g. tonight; no tickets.. no work). it’s just stressful in that i suddenly have to interact with people again. the noc is always full on thursday nights – three other techs, one engineer, and the occasional visitor from the sysadmins or hardware. suddenly being thrust into this busy social situation is pretty difficult for me, it seems.

it’s not that i don’t like my coworkers. they’re all really nice, and we get along fine. i just have zero desire to interact with them on my first day back.

but on a brighter note, i’m happy. i have someone who loves me, and loves me unconditionally. i was freaking out earlier, because there was something wrong with my eye – my one good eye! there were halos around every light source that i looked at. i couldn’t drive, because everything was a big light blur. i was freaking out, and understandably so (i think) – if i lose my eyesight, i lose my job, i lose a lot. but one thing that i know now that i wouldn’t lose is Aki’s love for me. as i was freaking out about losing my eyesight, worrying about how terrible it would be, i was reassured by her – “it would make life a bit more difficult, but i would still love you,” she said. i didn’t react immediately – it took about 5 minutes to sink in, and i was running out the door.. but that was the most beautiful, kind thing that anyone has ever said to me. that was a show of her true, unconditional love.

and i keep focusing on that this evening as i deal with the boredom and frustration of work. this blog post was supposed to be about how unreasonably depressed i’m feeling, about this weird up and down emotional pattern that’s been driving me insane.. but instead, internet, i want to share with you:

i’m happy

and i have so much to be happy about

and i just need to keep reminding myself of that

Oct 082012
 

so, not that any of you would know since i never post, up until recently i had a boyfriend named tyler. tyler and i dated for a couple of months. we met at a tng social in scottsdale, hit it off at subsequent events and started seeing each other shortly thereafter.

tyler is a nice kid. in no way is this post meant to reflect negatively on him as a human being, i’m just venting my emotions because Aki is at work and i feel so terribly alone, and so terribly guilty.

tyler is what i would assume is your average mid-20s guy. auto mechanic, rough and tumble, the whole package. he was really the first guy or guy analogue i had ever dated for more than a handful of days. things were going okay- there were some issues in the beginning mostly attributed to it being his first poly relationship- that is, dating someone (me) who was in a serious relationship with someone else (Aki). the bumps were eventually smoothed after i got him to realize that just because i was with Aki didn’t mean i cared about him any less, among other things.

anyways, the relationship was pretty normal. we went on dates, talked mostly every day, had sex, held hands, went to events together, et cetera. things didn’t go all sour all at once, really- it was a culmination of his actions and personality over time that i eventually decided didn’t jive with me so well.

it’s not so much the fact that he wasn’t right for me that has me so upset. it’s the fact that he appeared to think i was right for him, and was (foolishly, as we were only dating for a short period of time) quite enamored with me. the hardest part for me is i have broke his heart, and i feel guilty for that. even though in myself i know that even if i stuck with our relationship it would have failed miserably months down the line.

i know that this was the right decision for me. i know this. but i still can’t stop crying. crying, rationalizing, watching how it’s made, crying some more.. rinse and repeat.

breaking up with people is something i have very little experience. in high school, i was usually the one broken up with. i realize now that this was generally because i had a distinct inability to see the relationship objectively- thus, i would have no idea anything was wrong from either end. i’m working hard to fix that.

for now, i’ll just keep crying until the pain dulls. i’ll keep thinking to myself “why did i do this?” until it definitively makes sense in my mind. and i’ll keep looking forward, because even though my mind is scrambled, my eyes are red, and my emotions are out f control, things will get better with time, new relationships will come and go. and i hope tyler is able to see that too.