May 022014

for a long time i have wanted to move to portland, oregon. i fell in love with the place about five years back, while passing through to attend the penny arcade expo for the first time. the people, the scenery, the weather; i loved it all. my love for portland has only grown in the years since my first arrival, and now with family right across the river in vancouver, washington it seems like moving would be easy. but it’s not going to be easy. there’s so much in arizona that i will have to leave behind, even though i like to pretend like there’s nothing here for me.

the most obvious and upsetting, of course, is my partners. while my relationship with Aki is not what it used to be, i still cherish it and would hate to lose her. we only see each other once a week now, but moving away means that would most certainly be much less – maybe a handful of times per year. while there are options like skype, or google hangouts.. it’s not the same. i can see her, but in can’t feel her. i can’t hold her hand, we can’t cuddle on the couch. that lack of physical connection will be extremely difficult for me. aven as well. we see each other once a week, but that will surely get cut down to a handful of times per year as well. i feel like i will see him more than Aki after moving – he has partners in seattle, which would likely give him an excuse to stop by.

i’ve talked hypotheticals with both of them, and both have been supportive – which is great. of course, it will be disappointing for everyone involved. relationship dynamics may change, relationships may become long distance friendships – it’s all up in the air.

the next on my list is my parents. this is actually a bigger issue than i thought it would be. besides my mom inevitably going apeshit when she hears, i’m going to be thousands of miles away from them – no more sunday dinners with them, no more watching the house on random weekends (admittedly a relief), no seeing the dogs.. it’s going to be rough. i haven’t been very close to my parents in the past years – at least not as close as i was as a child – but i’m going to miss having them close. i’m sure my move will put pressure on them to move as well, even though i don’t want it to feel that way. my mom is attached to me at the hip, for better or worse, and she wants to be next door to me if possible. i’m afraid my move is going to put a metric shit-ton of stress on them, and i don’t look forward to that. but on the other hand, i’m my own person.. and if i need to move, they need to be okay with it. i’ll do whatever i can to help that along, but i don’t want to have to stay here for them.

of course, my job is a large factor. i’ve been with the company for about 15 months now. and it will be hard to leave. though, honestly, the recent changes in both attitude and management are making it increasingly easier. i’m going to feel bad, leaving the team, my coworkers, my boss, my director – they’re all great guys. but i can’t really say i’m happy with my work anymore. i’ve made some mistakes lately, but nothing horrible. i feel like my small mistakes have turned into a large distrust. everything i do is scrutinized, micromanaged, debated. i am often left feeling more like the the team’s problem than a real team member. actions i do for projects are met with disapproval, not praise. maintenance completed successfully is met with silence. management used to be so good at producing praise and good words, but all that has seemed to change. besides that, i’ve been signed up for a really expensive puppet training class in a couple weeks – leaving right after accepting that training would be a huge dick move… especially since my director specifically (jokingly) requested i make it worth it to send me: “you can’t quit if i send you to this training.” if i find out the verdict on this job i applied to before the 13th, perhaps someone can go in my spot – but that’s really pushing it for a job offer.

one of the more annoying points is my house. i just re-signed my lease for another 12 months two day before i got the interview request. granted, the lease doesn’t start until june 1st.. so there is a possibility they will let me revoke it for cheaper than the agreed early termination clause on the lease (i hope). if not, i need to budget for two months of rent plus $200 as the termination fee. i think this would be doable, if my uncle lets me live with him for a couple months. that would work out great – i could use the income from the new job to pay down the termination fee, which i’ll likely have to borrow from my mom, and then will have the opportunity to find a new house. unfortunately my leasing agency doesn’t own any houses in the portland area, so my initial idea of transferring my lease to a house up there isn’t an option. they have a load of houses in the seattle area that could work, but that would require a job not in portland. another point is my new roommate-to-be, ari. she hasn’t signed anything yet, and isn’t on any lease paperwork, but i’ll feel bad having offered her a room only to take back my offer after we agreed on a price and everything. maybe i could sign the lease over to her and her boyfriend – but that doesn’t seem likely. the house is expensive, even for me.

i found a couple nice houses in the portland area for rent. most of them cost about the same as what i’m paying now, and are of comparable size. i would really like to buy a house, as there’s a lot of brewing-related changes/improvements i’m itching to add to my place, but i don’t think i will qualify for a home loan. additionally, i think it would be a better idea to live there on rent or a year before buying, in case things don’t work out. i really hope they do, but there’s always the possibility of failure. another option i had thought of was an apartment or townhome, but i would be limited in space/yardage. but brewing in an apartment is not exactly the best. (i obviously have my priorities straight)

if i were to terminate my lease, i would need to be out by june 1st. i can likely store my stuff at my parent’s for the time being, and have it trucked up to portland once i get a place of my own. i’ll be driving up there with the essentials: computer, desk, clothes, nonperishable foodstuffs, a few board games, toiletries. i can fit a lot of stuff in my little car, so the more i bring is the less i have to live without for three months.

i’m really going to miss sleepy dog, too. their beer isn’t sold outside of arizona, so my kegerator will be a bit empty until i can find a suitable replacement. plus, i’m going to miss everyone there, game nights, etc. i’ll miss the few friends i have, though i feel disconnected from most of them. i’ll try to make new friends in portland – maybe the reboot will help me.

another big issue is surgery. i’m slated to have my surgery done next june, but it will require about a month off work – possibly more. if i get the job soon, that will mean i’ll have been with them for about a year before my surgery date, so i have a feeling they’ll be fine with me taking medical leave. plus, i’m banking on them being on the more positive end of the lgbt-friendly scale. maybe i can even find a medical plan that will cover my surgery?

everything is up in the air right now, and will be for a couple more weeks. there’s so many moving parts to this, and i’m hoping they all fall into line without any major malfunctions. a lot of this is going to be difficult, but i believe that it will be worth it in the end. getting out of arizona, finally hitting the reset button on life in a way, is both simultaneously exciting and terrifying.