Oct 082012

so, not that any of you would know since i never post, up until recently i had a boyfriend named tyler. tyler and i dated for a couple of months. we met at a tng social in scottsdale, hit it off at subsequent events and started seeing each other shortly thereafter.

tyler is a nice kid. in no way is this post meant to reflect negatively on him as a human being, i’m just venting my emotions because Aki is at work and i feel so terribly alone, and so terribly guilty.

tyler is what i would assume is your average mid-20s guy. auto mechanic, rough and tumble, the whole package. he was really the first guy or guy analogue i had ever dated for more than a handful of days. things were going okay- there were some issues in the beginning mostly attributed to it being his first poly relationship- that is, dating someone (me) who was in a serious relationship with someone else (Aki). the bumps were eventually smoothed after i got him to realize that just because i was with Aki didn’t mean i cared about him any less, among other things.

anyways, the relationship was pretty normal. we went on dates, talked mostly every day, had sex, held hands, went to events together, et cetera. things didn’t go all sour all at once, really- it was a culmination of his actions and personality over time that i eventually decided didn’t jive with me so well.

it’s not so much the fact that he wasn’t right for me that has me so upset. it’s the fact that he appeared to think i was right for him, and was (foolishly, as we were only dating for a short period of time) quite enamored with me. the hardest part for me is i have broke his heart, and i feel guilty for that. even though in myself i know that even if i stuck with our relationship it would have failed miserably months down the line.

i know that this was the right decision for me. i know this. but i still can’t stop crying. crying, rationalizing, watching how it’s made, crying some more.. rinse and repeat.

breaking up with people is something i have very little experience. in high school, i was usually the one broken up with. i realize now that this was generally because i had a distinct inability to see the relationship objectively- thus, i would have no idea anything was wrong from either end. i’m working hard to fix that.

for now, i’ll just keep crying until the pain dulls. i’ll keep thinking to myself “why did i do this?” until it definitively makes sense in my mind. and i’ll keep looking forward, because even though my mind is scrambled, my eyes are red, and my emotions are out f control, things will get better with time, new relationships will come and go. and i hope tyler is able to see that too.