May 102013

i have so many emotions right now. i’m happy, i’m bored, i’m frustrated, and i feel mildly hopeless. i think most of the later emotions are just because it’s “monday” (for me).. i’ve been noticing that my first day back to work after the weekend is always very stressful. even if it isn’t inherently stressful (e.g. tonight; no tickets.. no work). it’s just stressful in that i suddenly have to interact with people again. the noc is always full on thursday nights – three other techs, one engineer, and the occasional visitor from the sysadmins or hardware. suddenly being thrust into this busy social situation is pretty difficult for me, it seems.

it’s not that i don’t like my coworkers. they’re all really nice, and we get along fine. i just have zero desire to interact with them on my first day back.

but on a brighter note, i’m happy. i have someone who loves me, and loves me unconditionally. i was freaking out earlier, because there was something wrong with my eye – my one good eye! there were halos around every light source that i looked at. i couldn’t drive, because everything was a big light blur. i was freaking out, and understandably so (i think) – if i lose my eyesight, i lose my job, i lose a lot. but one thing that i know now that i wouldn’t lose is Aki’s love for me. as i was freaking out about losing my eyesight, worrying about how terrible it would be, i was reassured by her – “it would make life a bit more difficult, but i would still love you,” she said. i didn’t react immediately – it took about 5 minutes to sink in, and i was running out the door.. but that was the most beautiful, kind thing that anyone has ever said to me. that was a show of her true, unconditional love.

and i keep focusing on that this evening as i deal with the boredom and frustration of work. this blog post was supposed to be about how unreasonably depressed i’m feeling, about this weird up and down emotional pattern that’s been driving me insane.. but instead, internet, i want to share with you:

i’m happy

and i have so much to be happy about

and i just need to keep reminding myself of that

Feb 092012

…is the one word that describes me right now. i’ve been crying for the last hour or so, and i figured i’d stop bawling my eyes out and write.

i didn’t go to work yesterday again. steve texted me asking is everything was okay- i told him the truth. i’m depressed. i’d rather lay in bed all day than do anything. especially go to work. i told him i realized i was probably close to getting fired. he didn’t respond. i guess you get what you ask for, eh?

but that question really struck me. am i okay?

no. i’m not okay. i’m not doing okay at all. normal people can get up on time daily. normal people would rather be up and about rather than sleeping for 14+ hours per day. normal people don’t cry themselves to sleep most nights. depressed people do.

so i’m about to lose my job. i’m semi-planning on going in tomorrow and quitting, explaining to my boss that the job doesn’t keep me busy enough (good stress vs bad stress) and i have some depression issues that are killing me and my work efficiency. hopefully i don’t just get fired at first sight. jobs concern me. i feel like i’ll never be happy at a job. i feel like i’m going to keep hopping from job to job for the rest of my life, getting bored to death every 1-2 years. getting another job feels hopeless because it feels like i’ll just do the same shit over again. and if i quit (or get fired) tomorrow, what will i do for my finances? my business can only support me so much. i barely have money (or desire) to eat as it is- with my new “budget” without the job, i have even less money than before for my weekly food/gas split.

i just feel so immature and… hopeless. i can’t control my own life, i’m just watching it unfold before my eyes- and it’s not going up. i can’t imagine even being alive for more than another year or two. everything looking ahead looks dark.

i’ve been thinking about suicide a lot again. not entirely selfishly either. many things concern me about it- how will it affect my girlfriend? my family? my friends? what will happen to my customers, my business? do i really think it’s a valid option?

the answers are all pretty obvious. very negatively. ditto, ditto. they’ll find another host, my business will just stop in it’s tracks. kinda.

really i wish i had an option somewhere to be happy. flip some switch, be able to focus on any and all good in my life other than the fucked up majority.

the thought of killing myself scares me. i once said that death no longer scared me, but i lied. this one life was given to me, by pure chance i happened to blink into existence. this small span of 70-100 years are an electron in the universe as far as time goes. and when i die, be it by my own hand or nature’s, that’s it. it’s over. i fade into the nothingness, ceasing to exist. i don’t perceive my dead-ness, the dark, or anything. i don’t exist anymore. when i die, it’s literally all over. there’s no afterlife, no magic re-incarnation where i remember my previous life.

and that scares me to a degree. i think it’d scare anyone. it’s making me cry again just imagining it, realizing what i’m talking about, what suicide means for me and the people and things around me.

i wish i could stop this feeling. this depression, the never-ending torment i put myself through on a daily basis.

this post is pathetic.

Feb 062012

january is over, so let’s recap!

the months started out normal. it was nice to finally get out of the holiday season- i can only take so much holiday cheer. Aki and i ended up spending new year’s eve at devin’s place, which was pretty fun.

Aki, devin, and i all went to gerome for a day trip early on in the month, too. at least i think that was in january. Aki and devin took pictures, and i just looked at stuff. sorta like kim-jong il looking at things, except i’m not north korean, or a dictator. or dead. we got really good burgers up there, too, and then went to a old mining town up the road. i loved looking at all the old equipment. the place was practically a junk yard, but it was cool nonetheless.

what else.. for the business, things were great this month. we reached (and surpassed!) 600 active orders- last month was the highest recorded gross income in the history of the business 😀

i’m still working hard on expanding everything. i have my friend allen helping me with support tickets right now- it’s exciting to have gotten to a point where i can sustain the business with more employees than just me. even though we’re talking about january, i just ordered parts for node04! they should be here and ready to go by next week. now i just hope i have enough power left in my cage.

the plan is to install node04, upgrade node01’s cpus (new opteron 6234s!), and then slowly upgrade node02-04’s cpus. meanwhile, i’ll be working on getting more locations up- germany is next, as i have quite the demand for european-based servers.

this year is going to be good for the business. personal, perhaps, too. i’m moving out of my shithole townhouse mid-march. no more shitty townhouse. no more disgusting roommate. and less bills!

i guess i’m not talking about january anymore.

still don’t like my job. my friend kat might be able to get me a job at an apple store- not my occupation of choice, but it pays okay, and their benefits will help pay for my surgery! that right there is worth going to the dark side- they give you what you need.

speaking of work, that’s where i am right now. i don’t know what to do so i’m writing. i’d read, but i think that’s like putting a but neon sign over my head that says ‘not working’.. phxfil01 ran out of inodes. again. i don’t know what they expect me to do about it. i can’t pull more inodes out of my ass. plus, i’m still lost on a lot of how everything works around here, and find it hard to get he motivation to learn.

which sucks. motivation doesn’t come easy these days. i think it has something to do with the hormones. my body’s doing the what-the-fuck dance right now, please come back later.

speaking of hormones: estrogen is awesome. besides the making me sad for no reason sometimes. like really, i can’t explain it. i can feel the estrogen in my veins and it’s bloody awesome. nothing else in the world compares to this feeling. it feels so.. right

i feel a lot better than i did when writing my last post. yeah, bipolar, yeah! i love when i’m like this. life seems purposeful.

i like having purpose.

speaking of things, nuclear fission is really cool. i still need to finish that book on the chernobyl disaster, but really. that shit is scary. and cool. and my brain just shut off i guess so that’s all i’m getting out about nuclear reactors then.

i had an interesting experience with an employee in january. the whole incident really made me do the jackie chan “are you serious?” face for about a day straight. basically, i hired this person to do support tickets back in november. i told this person, i’ll give you $200 per week if you answer support tickets for me. i even hosted a colocated server for this person to sweeten the deal. pretty awesome right? it’s a really simple job that you’re getting super over-compensated for- it only required max 5-10 hours per week, as our ticket volume wasn’t that horrible.

so like, a month goes by. they’re performing admirably, so i’m paying them. then talk about moving to finland starts. fine with me, you don’t need to be on the same side of the globe to do this job- really. you could do it from anywhere with internet. more talk about finland, until the new year rolls around and they hop on a plane to said country.

but they didn’t really ask for any time off at all. i let it slide. how many times do you get to go to finland?

about two weeks goes by- i don’t hear a peep from them in the first week. second week- they’re on irc a lot, but they haven’t logged into the admin panel in 9 days. finally they logged in and responded to one ticket.

and stupid me, i still paid them for those two weeks. full $200. that was my second mistake. maybe third really. so a month goes by of this half-assed not-really-working-and-still-getting-paid, so finally (after having talked to them a couple weeks beforehand) i terminated them. i send them $50 for their shitty work and said bye.

then they come back. they threaten me with small claims court (over $150. mind you, it’s probably $200 just to file). they say “we had an agreement” that they would get $200 per week.

i say: if you do your work. i’m not paying you for doing nothing. but they won’t have any of that.

it makes perfect sense to me. perfect fucking sense. you don’t work? you don’t get money. i’m not paying you to have a fucking vacation in finland you lazy fuck.

i thought about it for a while. i wasn’t afraid of claims court, but i really didn’t need the stress. against my best judgement i sent them the $150 and pulled the “lets not let this get between us” card (edit 08/2012: but it did, anyways)

and you know what they say? “i only demanded the money because i have -$70 in the bank”

fucking yeah.

who DOES that? who the fuck says that to the person you just conned out of money you didn’t deserve? your own immaturity and inability to handle your finances is what got you into this situation. i was under no obligation to even help you out at all, and yet i gave you that money.

the more i think about it, the more mad i get.

but i learned a valuable lesson: contracts. always. friends turn into bloodsucking assholes as soon as money gets involved. they’re not your friends anymore, they’re selfish motherfuckers.

but it’s over. the whole situation is done. new employee, on a contract, and he actually does work (edit 08/2012: just kidding). imagine that.

i’m about done for now. didn’t get barely any sleep last night. might go take a nap.

Jan 312012

depression is like a sine wave. assuming the units are weeks, i’d say the approximate function for my depression would be:

f(x) = 6sin(2x(π/(5+0.05x)))-.025x
image courtesy of wolfram-alpha

that is to say, at the current moment i hit a peak or trough about once every 5 weeks- and the trough is usually worse. not by much but as time goes on the peaks get less intense, and the troughs get more and more intense, and the periods between peaks and troughs gets slowly larger. at this rate i have a little under five years before it’s nothing but depression.

unless i can fix something.

i’m partially happy right now. i just recently started the downward slope, and velocity is increasing. i have a great Master and girlfriend, Akalashi. we have tons of fun, and can talk forever or just watch endless movies. i have a great group of friends, and have socials or parties that Aki and i attend regularly. my business is doing okay. i grossed over $50k last year. don’t ask me about net, though.

i hate my job a lot. i thought i liked it, and i guess i still do at times… but really, my job is a huge bore. the only fun i have is when i get to work in the server room- new equipment, rearranging, tidying cables, running cat5e, etc. that comes once in a blue moon- the rest of the time it’s cubicle party 8 hours a day. i feel like i’m not needed. the few things i can do have been postponed what seems like indefinitely. everything i do is met with waiting and red tape. i understand this is corporate america, but i like getting things done, and working the majority of my shift. if i just sit behind my screens and melt my brain for 8 hours, i’m going to want to not show up at all.

which fuels my waking-up-problem. i can’t wake up in the morning most days. i sleep though alarms, turn them off, bury them under pillows. my dreams are so much nicer. i don’t have to go to work, i don’t have to feel like i’m wasting everyone’s time at school. i can work on my business and spend time with Aki, my friends, and my extended family in washington. on days when the only thing i have to look forward to is work, i can’t get out of bed.

i dropped two classes this semester already. math and humanities. my humanities teacher couldn’t teach, and i hate art history, so i dropped. my (first) math teacher couldn’t teach either- he was worse actually. he’d go off on tangents every 5 minutes. he didn’t show up for the first day of class. i got approval to get into another teacher’s class, but all his homework was done online- and i was two weeks behind. it took me 30-40 minutes per problem, simply because i had to draw out all my work on this buggy “whiteboard” program with my mouse.

so i dropped that class too.

it makes me feel kind of useless.

i don’t really eat much. people have pointed out my underweight-ness a lot recently. it’s not really because a lack of money, though i suppose that has something to do with it. i just have no desire to eat really. even if i’m hungry, i usually can’t being myself to make food.

and the dysphoria is starting again. most days i can’t look at myself. i don’t want to talk because my voice angers me. my genitals are a constant source of anger as well.

i really want to go back to being happy a lot. i want to hit a peak and stay there. i want to be able to constantly focus on the positive and stop caring what others think of me.

i’m afraid my depression will take a toll on my relationships with the people around me. i don’t want to lose Aki to my depression. i don’t want to lose my friends.

i can’t let it get that bad.

Nov 012011

another one of those nights. not tired, need to be at work in

halloween was uneventful. hung out with andy+friends, played munchkin, baked a couple of pies. i messed up the crust again, this time it was too dry. i’ll get it eventually.

going to be a tight week. my expenses out-number my income, so i think payday will be quite depressing. nothing quite like seeing almost 2 grand float right past you.

feeling kinda.. what’s the word for when you look in the mirror and just aren’t happy with anything? i’m not dysphoric as much anymore, but i hate when i get down on myself for all the things i see wrong with me. if i could just fix my voice.. i guess.. i feel like i have this generally “male” body, and everyone who sees me sees a man.

fleh. maybe it’s not true.

i don’t know what i’m going to do about my job. i mean, i love being a network admin, but i guess i never expected so much bureaucratic crap and red tape. everything i try to do is met with some sort of hold-up.. i have at least 5 projects that are just waiting on someone else.

i didn’t go to work yesterday. i didn’t really call in either, and i sorta feel bad about that. but i have a feeling i probably wasn’t missed. i’m going in tomorrow, then more face lasers tonight, and dinner with my parents.